This is my first post in blogspot. Used to post on friendster but realize that it sucks to core. Anyway.... The first post shall be on what happened on the worst day of my life which happen on 21st March 2008 when my fiance show his true colours. Kind of a long post, but do read on and leave me your comments. Loves.....
I've been debating with myself to post this blog or not. I'm just worried that it might not be nice if I were to spell things out here.
Anyway, who cares since my feelings are never being put into consideration ever before. So here I’m writing out the worst month in my 24 years of life.
March is a month which I used to love so much. Reason being 1) 3 of my ex bf birthday falls on march ( a month for celebration ) 2) New Year usually falls in Feb so March will be kind of loaded ( Not for 2008, ha-ha ) 3) Will usually go on holiday in March as the price is cheaper
~ But none of the above happens this year.
- Y do I say that March in year 2008 is the worst year I ever had?
~ But none of the above happens this year.
- Y do I say that March in year 2008 is the worst year I ever had?
For a week, I was feeling so uncomfortable. I just don’t wish to be alone. I stayed over at my cousin's place. Trying hard not to think of him but I still sound him up asking how he is. He sounds happy with his life. Although i sense that something is amiss. He went to places that he hates to go in the past. And soon he ignored my calls and msg.
His B'day falls on 21st of March. A BBQ outing was planned before our break-up, an oversea trip was planned as well on 22nd of March. A week before his B'day, I asked him if the plans for both of the outing r still valid? He said yes, we will definitely spend it together. Ok. I was really glad at that moment, knowing that I’m able to spend some quality time with him.
I started preparing some surprises for him for our oversea trip as I want to cherish this very last trip with him. I want to give him the best that I could for his birthday. I spent a week of sleepless night preparing all the stuffs, went to 5 diff places per day to get what is needed n so on. It was not easy at all as it's the first time I’m doing all this for someone. 2 Days before 21st March, I msg him again asking if our date is confirm and again he firmly said yes it's confirmed.
I started preparing our BBQ food. Went to the supermarket with my mum and she can sense how happy I’m being in love with someone she trusted who will take care of me. ( She did not know that he had dump her daughter ) I didn’t want to upset my mum, I dun want to sound it out to her yet as I know I’ll cry when I say about our break-up. Mummy knows I really love him a lot as she sees the changes in me and doing things for him that I never ever do for anyone.
..... We went to get a puff. I saw him using a new lighter which I know he will never get tat for himself. I pick up my courage to ask him if gift is from someone even though I know the reply would be something that will make my heart break even more.
Me: Got a new lighter?
Him: Yes! It was a gift from a ger.
Me (Heartache): Is she your GF?
Him: No, not yet but soon to be.
Me (fighting back my tears): What kind of ger is she? A sweet & nice Ger?
Him: She is from china, a tour guide like me & a pursuing her Hons in Singapore.
Me (I can’t speak a word anymore as I know any moment my tear will be flowing down): I smiled and said nothing.
We walked to the tattoo shop to do my tattoo while he sat at the bench outside sleeping. When the blade cut through my skin, my tears dropped. It hurts but my heart hurts so much more than the cut. I can’t stop my tears from flowing down ( the tattoo artist saw me crying n he thought I cant take the pain. He kept asking me if it's painful, do I want to take a rest first. ) I kept quiet n he carries on.
Finally it's done. We went back to my place to get the BBQ food. It was around 6plus. His phone rang.
Over the other end ( China Ger ): Where are you?
Him: I'm with my sis & HER ( referring to me )
China Ger ( She was mumbling at the other end, can’t figure out what she said ): ..........
Him: We'll talk tonight and I’ll explain everything to you.
China Ger: Y didn’t you call me in the afternoon? What were you doing?
Him: I was sleeping ( He lied to her, we were at far east )
China Ger ( saying something like ): Y do u still meet her so on.
Him ( Pissed off, shouted ): I already say we'll talk tonight. ( he hanged up )
Him ( Turned to me ): Now you see what kind of person I’m? If I dun like I’ll just hang up regardless who it is. ( He always does that to me )
There is a jam on the turning lane into east coast; a long wait pissed him off again. He start saying things like why choose to come here out of all places so on. ( East Coast is always the place we go for BBQ )
All silence in the car and suddenly he speaks
Him: You asked me to find a degree holder & now i had found one for you to see. ( I asked him to go because he always tell me that all his ex n gers around him r all degree holder )
Me ( not feeling good ): Tats good, I wish you all the best.
Silence again.........
We reached East Coast. Unpacked all the stuffs n while he was starting the fire.... he said.....
Him: I'm not going for the oversea trip anymore, u can find someone else to go with you.
Me ( my heart sank ): Y? Is it because the ger dun allow you to go?
Him: No! It's not about her.
The true self of him finally show after 2 years, after he gave me my dream of our future and our engagement.
Him: Frankly speaking, the china ger is a degree holder and what r u? She is of same age as you yet she is so independent. Came to Singapore to wk and to study for her Hons. She even took up guide course while working n studying and now she is a license professional tour guide who is going to earn. What about you? I feel that you r good in nothing. I'm not sure if I bring you bad luck or what, after leaving your previous company; things just don’t turn out well for you. I really don’t know what you are good in. My parents’ r so happy when i told them we broke up. My dad said u r not a good ger, since the start of our relationship, he know we will not last. He asked me not to drag on with you, just cut all ties between us. It's my parents’ wish that I dun go for the oversea trip.
Me ( I listen quietly as I really have nothing to say, All I know is I’m really hurt and I cant fight my tears anymore. It really feels like a knife being stabbed into your heart and continues with many more stabs onto the same wound. It really really really hurts BADLY )
Him: Actually long time ago I already don’t love you anymore. I didn’t even want to feel close to you because I get really irritated by ye look. If not that I had proposed, I want to be a responsible guy, i would had left you long long time ago. But I realize I really dun wish to stand by you at all n I never want to let you rely on me. I'm really tired & sick to see you. I dun wish to hide my true self anymore, dun ever mention about my engagement with you that shall not valid anymore. Dun tells me that ye dreams, your hope r dashed by me because it's none of my business.
Me ( crying really hard ): But y didn’t you tell me earlier so tat I need not put in so much effort to prepare ye birthday surprises? Y for the past 3mths you treated me so well ( before the 3 months, he treated me like a dog with no moral or dignity ), how did u manage to put up such a fake mask for so long?
Him: For the birthday surprise, no one ask you to do it. It's you who wants to do it, tats ye problem. I just dun wish to tell you earlier tat I dun want to go for the trip. I really hate to see you. Do you think I’m happy today seeing you? Does u think I’ll be happy during our trip? I rather stay in Singapore to wk n acc her.
While my friend is on her way, although I feel painful, I feel hurt, I feel sad, I feel ..............
I still pick up my courage, wipe my tears and walk up to him. The kind of feeling is really something that no words can describe. The very last kind of feeling anyone would like to feel. I feel as if there is a big, heavy stone pressing down on my heart, the strength I used to bite my teeth together and the stress I force into myself to control my tears. ( thinking back, it really really WEI QUI myself so much )
I asked him to have a last talk be4 I leave. I put the smile up on my face even though I’m bleeding right inside me.
I really feel like knocking myself on something really hard so I’ll not feel the pain in my heart.
He walked away to grab some food. I look at the sea, take a deep breath and endure my tears for the last time.
He walked away to grab some food. I look at the sea, take a deep breath and endure my tears for the last time.
I went to sit beside him and the last thing I could do is to stare at him blankly. My mind runs wild. I wish to tell him to stay, but I know it's impossible. I wish he knows how much I love him and how much he meant to me but he will never want to know. I wish to tell him how much he had hurt me but I know he will never understand or feel it. I wish to tell him how heartless and hypocrite he is but I can’t bring myself to hurt him. ( Am I StUPiD ) Again I force myself to smile with my tears all over my face,
I said " You left me for your happiness with someone else, make sure you treasure her n be happy in order for all my tears and heartache worthful, Never have I feel so hurt, Never have i cried so much, Never have I endure so long and whatever it is, I had given you my all and my best. I'll never regret. Take good care of yourself. Dun hurt anyone again. Be happy”
I smiled and heavy-heartedly, I pick up my belongings and walk away. The moment I took my first step, my tears flow down rapidly. I told myself I’ll never look back ever again. And I know I'll Never. The kind of hurt he caused me are beyong words. It can never ever be forgotten.
It’s my trust for him that brings me so far, it’s also my trust for him that brings me all this hurt.
What will you people do if you were me? How will you people react? Is there true love in this world? Is there everlasting? Should I trust or should I not trust?
Is the best thing on earth being LOVE? Is the best thing on earth being able to care for each other in a relationship?
This entry was posted
on Saturday, March 29, 2008
at 12:20 PM
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~ Relationship Issues ~
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